


Will we find our way back again?

by Malec_LB777



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-21 19:58:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17648912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_LB777/pseuds/Malec_LB777
Summary: He wonders if it's possible to go back to the time where he felt whole , when his heart was his own and isn't longing to be there again, to go back to it's place with Alexander , because since he left everything lost it's meaning ...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii again , all mistakes are mine and the characters belongs to CC  
> this is a little angsty and different from the fluff i usually write , i hope you like it .  
> and please ignore the summary , i really don't know how to write one .

Walking around the streets of new york in December isn't really a good decision, it's cold he can't feel his hands , even though he's wearing gloves and they're hidden in his coat pockets he's still cold. But he's still walking, well it's not like he made any good choices lately, he never regretted anything he's done in his life ,it all made him who he is, it all led to _him_ after all , but as he plays what happened that day in his mind ,what he said, he find himself wishing to go back to stop everything before it happened ,to shut his mouth and listen , to not be blinded by anger and rage

As he keeps on walking on the busy streets where people are preparing for Christmas and the new year's, its loud and full of people yet he fells alone , he finds himself thinking of him he wonders how is he doing ,where is he now, what's going on in his life , and his heart aches , he wants to see him to hold his hand he never knew how much he loved the warmth of his hands when they cup his cheeks or when they go through his hair brushing it softly until he lost them.

He wonders if Magnus miss him sometimes even if just a little, because he misses him every day, and every hour he longs to be with him to hug him , kiss him , he needs ,no he craves his closeness, to sleep with his head on that warm and firm chest .

He thinks about the look in Magnus eyes ,the look that was just for him loving gentle and warm , the same look that was whispering to him _stay ... believe me ._

Is it possible that this same look that was his , the one Magnus always looked at him with is now for another person , is Magnus looking at them the same way , and if he is then will they be able to take his hopes, and dreams away from it , every time he looked in his eyes he saw their future in them.

When he thinks of the past of what he had once and now is gone he feels his heart tightening in his chest , longing for Magnus presence around him , and his mind keeps telling him _it's your fault ..._

He wants to gather his courage and strength , and go to Magnus for the last time, to try and recover his first love , the light in his life that left with him that day , he wants to go to him and ask him one last time _do you still love me ... do you miss me so much that you think you can't even breath... because that's what i feel every day since you left ... please can you forgive me..._

When his life gets too much , too overwhelming with stress and pressure ,when he feels he is drowning under the weight of it there is only one place where he knows he'll feel safe only one place he wants to run to and hide there forever , he wishes he can go now to lay in Magnus's arms and sleep.

He wants to ask him _do you think we can be together again like we were? Can we go back to a time where we can smile ,cry and laugh together?..._

Or maybe that smile has become bittersweet and is crying for them .

After he kept on walking for almost an hour he found himself near the café where he always went with Magnus ,their first date was there ,and their last one also before everything went down , it’s the first time he stepped into the place since then , he almost turned to leave, he couldn’t bear to relive all the memories they made there , all the laughs and the secrets they exchanged on their regular table by the window, but he also wanted to be in a familiar place to go and sit there and imagine that Magnus is there … with him.

So when he walked forward to enter he glanced at the window ,he found himself in front of a scene that broke his heart all over again.

Magnus was there sitting on their table with his friends ,Ragnor, Catarina and Raphael and a couple of people he didn’t know , he was laughing , he looked happy and relaxed , seeing him now for the first time after 4 months he felt immense happiness but this happiness was mixed with sorrow and regret , because he was happy even without him he moved on leaving him behind.

He stood frozen by the window ,the tears welling up in his eyes ,he blinked his eyes not wanting to cry now . not in front Magnus , not after he is happy now.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath ,then he turned to leave , he walked a few steps before he felt a hand on his elbow stopping him, he turned his head to see who was it, then he let the tears fall…


	2. Chapter 2

 

_“i can't believe you'd do this to me Magnus”_

_“no I didn't, Alec please just calm down and listen to me”_

_Alec then looked at him with eyes full of anger and hate, a look he never thought, not in a million years that he would be the one receiving it._

_“Alec you're furious and hurt right now and I get it, but please just listen to me, let me explain” Magnus said with tears threatening to fall from his eyes, he fisted his hands and tightened it enough to break his skin._

_“no, I can't believe you anymore, not after what I've seen” he said coldly._

_“Alec, what you saw is w_”_

_“enough” he shouted, “i don't want to listen to your lies anymore”_

_“the papers will arrive to you in a couple of days, sign them and then we're finished”._

_Then he got up and left the house...,their home, and Magnus then cried, screamed and grabbed the nearest thing to him and threw it against the wall, which was a framed photo of him and Alec._

_***_

Catarina was really worried, these past months were hell, Magnus's state was from bad to worse, he drowned himself in his work, what he eats is just bits and pieces forced on him by herself or Ragnor, all he does all day long if not working is just drinking and staring at nothing. He maybe drank a whole bar storage these past months, if he sleeps then it's because he passed out from exhaustion or because he's drunk.

 

Now she is standing in front of his loft door ringing and knocking on the door with no answer, she is scared out of her mind thinking about all the bad things that could happen to her friend while he's alone in that state, what intensified her worries were the million calls that went to the voicemail and her unanswered messages.

 

After 5 minutes of her slamming the door and still no answer, she immediately calls Ragnor who has a spare key to the loft, after another 10 minutes he arrives looking disheveled and out of breath as if he came running here.

 

When they open the door they're welcomed by silence, the loft is empty and dark, it's only seven in the evening but it seems as if it's midnight, it's also really cold and a freezing breeze is wafting through the room.

 

“Magnus,... Magnus where are you”. Cat called for her friend.

 

“Cat, he's here” Ragnor gestured to the open French doors of the balcony where Magnus was sitting on the sofa looking at the skylines of New York, he seemed as if he wasn't even here lost in his thoughts.

 

Ragnor sighed and ran a hand on his face then slumped on the couch in the living room while Cat went out to Magnus.

 

She shakes his shoulders gently to get his attention he startled and looked at her with wide eyes like a deer in the headlights.

 

“Cat?” he asked in a hoarse voice “what's wrong, why are you here?”

 

She sighed then kneeled down in front of him and held his both of his hands and rested then in his lap, she started to run her thump on them and said “we're here because we're

worried about you, Magnus”.

 

Magnus bowed his head down and closed his eyes, “I'm sorry fo_”

 

“No, don't apologize, we're family Magnus we will always love and worry about you honey ”she said gently.

 

“Okay, I called Raphael, we're going out now ”Ragnor announced then sat next to Magnus on the couch.

 

He knew that what Magnus needed right now is to be away from here, away from everything that reminds him of that man, Ragnor also knew that it's impossible for Magnus to forget and move on from this in just a couple of months, years of love can't be erased that easily, but they're going to stand by him, be with him while he picked himself up again.

 

Magnus frowned and shook his head “no, you go without me I'm not really in the mood to go out now”.

 

Ragnor put his arm on Magnus's shoulder and swayed them a little “no buts my friend, come on go take a shower and get dressed, you stink”.

 

Magnus smiled a little and nodded he got up. He knew it was pointless to argue.

 

After showing he was standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror he really didn't like his reflection, his goatee is almost a beard now, dark shadows under his eyes, his hair has grown and it's no longer a Mohawk, he really looked awful, no wonder his friends are worried for him.

 

After a minute of looking at himself, he decided he can't go on like this anymore no, he's

Magnus Bane, it's okay, he had his heart broken before it's not the first time, what's the

difference here, he can leave this behind and go on with his life.

 

‘Yes, that's what you'll do Magnus, you're strong and you can do this’ he said to himself, and he chose to ignore the voice in his head saying that this is _Alexander,_ you can't just stop loving him, that it doesn't matter how much you try you just can't …

 

In moments like this Magnus wonders if he'll ever feel whole again, if his heart will ever be his own again, because since the first time they met his heart chose Alexander as its new home…

 

He shakes his head to get out of his thoughts and begins his routine.

 

He got his shaving machine and started to work on his hair and goatee, then he wrapped a towel around his waist and got out to his room, he opened the drawers of his makeup and started to apply his eye shadow and liner, he relaxed in the familiar moves, then he styled his hair in his usual style.

 

After he finished with his hair and make-up, he moved to his closet to plan an outfit, he chose black skinny pants with silver colored stripes on the side, a black turtleneck sweater , with a matching fitting blazer with silver chains on the shoulders.

 

When he got out of his room looking a bit like his usual self his friends were pleasantly surprised, Cat whistled at him “looking good Magnus” . Ragnor nodded in approval.

 

“Thank you dear, though i always look good don't i” Magnus said smiling.

“That you do my friend” Cat answered while putting on her coat ,getting ready to go out.

“Hey, stop feeding his ego ,will you?” Ragnor said , they all laughed at that and Magnus found himself feeling a lot better ,thankful for his friends ,for being here standing by him and for not leaving him even when he was really insufferable and his company isn't the best.

After meeting Raphael in front of his building he asked them if he can choose the place for tonight, after he picked hunter's moon he was met with the surprised expressions of his friends “Are you sure Magnus?” Ragnor asked .

They all knew what that place meant for Magnus and Alec it was their place ,where they shared a lot of date nights and pool games ,it was full of memories of their time together, and they worried that it's still too early for Magnus to go there.

Taking a long breath ,he nodded “Yes, I'm sure ,it's time to make new memories, come on now let's go or we'll be late and it's really cold here”

When they reached there Magnus almost regretted choosing this place it was really painful for him to go there again ,in every corner he saw Alec , holding hands and entering, sitting on their table and leaning forward towards each other to share dessert, spending hours by the pool tables each of them refusing to let the other win.

He was really close to just turn and leave, but if he wanted to move on then he needed to do this so he took a bracing breath and entered .

It was really just his luck that the only clear table there is the one they used on near the windows. And when the waitress came to take the orders she recognized him immediately and asked about Alec , they were regulars here after all .

“Umm ... he's on a business trip for a few days”. He answered , he doesn't know why he didn't just say that they broke up ,maybe he still doesn't want to believe that happened . And he was once again thankful that none of his friends questioned him about his answer.

After a while they also met a couple of their collage friends there they all sat together and started reminiscing about the old days he felt light and happy for the first time in what felt like forever, and when he and the whole group was laughing he noticed Cat looking at the windows with a strange expression on her face ,she excused herself saying shell be back in a minute , when he turned his head to look at what she saw outside he gasped and stared with wide eyes at the window and whispered “Alexander .... ”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
